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Want your child to grow up healthy, happy, smart, capable, and resilient? Play with them. Infants and toddlers thrive on playful games that change as they grow.

Why does play matter during the first few years of life?

More than a million new nerve connections are made in the brain in the first few years of life. And pruning of these neural connections makes them more efficient. These processes literally build the brain and help guide how it functions for the rest of that child’s life. While biology — particularly genetics — affects this, so does a child’s environment and experiences.

Babies and children thrive with responsive caregiving. Serve and return, a term used by the Harvard Center on the Developing Child, describes this well: back-and-forth interactions, in which the child and caregiver react to and interact with each other in a loving, nurturing way, are the building blocks of a healthy brain and a happy child, who will have a better chance of growing into a healthy, happy, competent, and successful adult.

Play is one of the best ways to do responsive caregiving. To maximize the benefits of play:

• Bring your full attention. Put the phone down, don’t multitask.
• Be reciprocal. That’s the “serve and return” part. Even little babies can interact with their caregivers, and that’s what you want to encourage. It doesn’t have to be reciprocal in an equal way — you might be talking in sentences while your baby is just smiling or cooing — but the idea is to build responsiveness into the play.
• Be attuned to developmental stages. That way your child can fully engage — and you can encourage their development as well.

Great games to play with infants: 6 to 9 months

The Center for the Developing Child has some great ideas and handouts for parents about specific games to play with their children at different ages.

6-month-olds and 9-month-olds are learning imitation and other building blocks of language. They are also starting to learn movement and explore the world around them.

Here are some play ideas for this age group:

• Play peek-a-boo or patty-cake.
• Play games of hiding toys under a blanket or another toy, and then “find” them, or let the baby find them.
• Have back-and-forth conversations. The baby’s contribution might just be a “ma” or “ba” sound. You can make the same sound back, or pretend that your baby is saying something (“You don’t say! Really? Tell me more!”).
• Play imitation games: if your baby sticks out their tongue, you do it too, for example. Older babies will start to be able to imitate things like clapping or banging, and love when grownups do that with them.
• Sing songs that involve movement, like “Itsy Bitsy Spider” or “Trot, Trot to Boston” with words and motions.
• Play simple games with objects, like putting toys into a bucket and taking them out, or dropping them and saying “boom!”

Great games to play with toddlers

Between 12 months and 18 months, young toddlers are gaining more language and movement skills, and love to imitate. You can:

• Play with blocks, building simple things and knocking them down together.
• Do imaginative play with dolls or stuffed animals, or pretend phone calls.
• Use pillows and blankets to build little forts and places to climb and play.
• Play some rudimentary hide-and-seek, like hiding yourself under a blanket next to the baby.
• Continue singing songs that involve movement and interaction, like “If You’re Happy And You Know It.”
• Go on outings and explore the world together. Even just going to the grocery store can be an adventure for a baby. Narrate everything. Don’t worry about using words your baby doesn’t understand; eventually they will, and hearing lots of different words is good for them.

Older toddlers, who are 2 or 3 years old, are able to do more complicated versions of these games. They can do matching, sorting, and counting games, as well as imitation and movement games like “follow the leader” (you can get quite creative and silly with that one).

As much as you can, give yourself over to play and have fun. Work and chores can wait, or you can actually involve young children in chores, making that more fun for both of you. Checking social media can definitely wait.

Playing with your child is an investment in your child’s future — and a great way to build your relationship and make both of you happy.

About the Author

Claire McCarthy, MD, Senior Faculty Editor, Harvard Health Publishing

Claire McCarthy, MD, is a primary care pediatrician at Boston Children’s Hospital, and an assistant professor of pediatrics at Harvard Medical School. In addition to being a senior faculty editor for Harvard Health Publishing, Dr. McCarthy … See Full Bio View all posts by Claire McCarthy, MD

When preschoolers are melting down or teens are slamming doors, parents face two difficult tasks: keeping themselves composed and supporting their kids’ ability to self-soothe while building skills to handle future challenges.

These abilities are at the heart of co-regulation, a parenting tool that requires patience and practice. But what exactly is involved, and how does it help support children and teens wrestling with big emotions?

What is co-regulation?

“Co-regulation is a supportive, interactive, and dynamic process,” says Lauren Marchette, a child, adolescent, and family psychologist and a lecturer in psychiatry at Harvard Medical School.

Through warm and responsive interactions, caregivers help young people learn better ways to regulate their emotions during the inevitable upsets and challenges of life. “At its heart, co-regulation is connecting with a child who’s in distress and being able to evaluate what that child needs in the moment to help calm themselves.”

But before a parent or trusted adult can help a child, they need to understand — and possibly expand — their own emotional skills and limitations. Emotions are often contagious, whether a person is upset or sharing a sense of calm.

“The tricky part of co-regulation is that adults have to recognize how they’re feeling and be able to regulate their own emotions in difficult moments so they can help children to gain these same skills,” Marchette says. “But this will be so important for kids to develop healthy relationships over time, and affects how people do in school, work, and life in general.”

How does building emotional skills help children and teens?

As children grow up, they learn different skills — how to build a block tower, play a sport, or solve a math equation. They also learn emotional skills: how to recognize and handle feelings of anger or anxiety, for example.

Known as self-regulation, such emotional skills are truly the basis of wellness in life, Marchette says. By consistently practicing co-regulation, parents and other trusted adults foster self-regulation skills in kids.

The list of self-regulation skills is wide-ranging, involving

• emotional awareness and literacy, including the ability to identify emotions
• emotional regulation skills such as self-soothing
• perspective-taking, or the ability to "walk in another’s shoes”
• social skills such as taking turns and practicing patience
• paying attention and remaining focused when needed
• problem-solving
• thinking flexibly
• time management skills
• goal-setting.

What are the potential benefits of co-regulation?

Co-regulation enables kids to eventually learn to

• handle stress
• resist immediate gratification
• avoid hasty, ill-informed decisions
• make and stick to plans
• solve problems
• adapt to challenges
• take healthy risks.

Some research suggests that having better self-regulation skills is linked to more positive outcomes in life, such as higher income and lower rates of substance use and violence.

Who might especially benefit from co-regulation?

Everyone wins when kids are better able to navigate frustrations and manage their reactions to their thoughts and feelings. Parents, teachers, coaches, guidance counselors, mentors, and other adults who interact closely with children also stand to benefit.

As for kids themselves, it’s hard to think of any whose lives won’t be improved by adults who have invested themselves in practicing co-regulation, Marchette says.

But practicing co-regulation skills with certain children and adolescents — including those whose families are experiencing economic hardship, substance abuse, divorce, or other distressing situations — can be especially important.

Is there evidence that co-regulation works?

“While co-regulation is built upon a solid theoretical framework, not many studies have delved into its effectiveness — at least across all age groups,” Marchette says. “Research that does focuses mainly on infants and preschoolers.”

“Much less is known about how co-regulation interventions work for older youth,” she says. “The research is trying to catch up to what we know from years of clinical experience.”

How can a parent coach a child through co-regulation?

Co-regulation doesn’t stand alone as a skill. It relies on fostering a warm, responsive relationship with children, providing structure, and setting limits. “Children benefit from consistent, predictable routines with clear expectations and consequences,” Marchette says.

When a child begins experiencing big emotions, a co-regulation response will look different depending on the child and circumstances. But the steps to take are similar.

“First, the parent needs to pause and self-regulate their own emotions, such as by taking a deep breath,” Marchette explains. “The next steps are validating the child’s feelings, observing the child’s response, and then deciding how to respond next, including verbally and nonverbally, such as with a touch.”

Marchette offers an example based on her own practice: 12-year-old “Eric” is tackling a writing assignment in his bedroom when his mother suddenly hears loud noises. She walks to his door and finds him throwing a stapler, notebook, and container of pens off his desk. “What’s wrong with me?” he yells. “I suck at writing and I hate school!” Then Eric puts his head down on his desk.

The sixth grader’s mom knows he needs help calming down, so she pauses and takes a deep breath. Then she walks over and whispers his name, placing her hand on his shoulder. After more silence, Eric gradually starts sitting up in his chair. “I can tell how frustrated you are with this assignment,” she says to him, validating his feelings. “It must be a really challenging one.”

Eric’s mother knows he needs a break after he mutters, “I can’t do it.” She suggests a getting a glass of ice-cold water, and Eric glumly follows her to the kitchen. After the break, they can re-evaluate if Eric is ready to return to his homework or needs further coping strategies — like a walk outside or a round of jumping jacks — to get his frustration out.

What resources can help parents practice co-regulation?

The Administration for Children and Families offers a free Co-Regulation in Action video series. And some therapists — especially those who specialize in behavioral parent training or cognitive behavioral therapy — can help parents who feel their skills need a boost.

It’s worth noting that it can be hard to have sufficient resources — emotional, financial, and other supports — to practice co-regulation consistently. Those who wish to try should give themselves some grace as they learn the process. “Even parents who are thinking their own self-regulation skills aren’t where they want them to be should realize this is a muscle they can strengthen,” Marchette says. “It’s important to have that growth mindset.”

About the Author

Maureen Salamon, Executive Editor, Harvard Women's Health Watch

Maureen Salamon is executive editor of Harvard Women’s Health Watch. She began her career as a newspaper reporter and later covered health and medicine for a wide variety of websites, magazines, and hospitals. Her work has … See Full Bio View all posts by Maureen Salamon

About the Reviewer

Howard E. LeWine, MD, Chief Medical Editor, Harvard Health Publishing

Dr. Howard LeWine is a practicing internist at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston, Chief Medical Editor at Harvard Health Publishing, and editor in chief of Harvard Men’s Health Watch. See Full Bio View all posts by Howard E. LeWine, MD

You probably know that you have a thyroid gland. Perhaps you or someone you know has had thyroid tests or a thyroid disorder such as hypothyroidism.

But did you know you also have a parathyroid gland? It’s true — in fact, most people have four of them, even though one would suffice.

Where are the parathyroid glands?

From the name, you might assume the role of the parathyroid glands is related to that of the thyroid gland. Well, you’d be wrong. The name comes solely from their location: they sit just behind the thyroid gland: two on the right side, two on the left.

The parathyroid glands are small (the size of peas), and can weigh less than a thousandth of an ounce each. Although it’s normal to have four parathyroid glands, about 13% of people have fewer and 5% have more. And some people have parathyroid glands in other locations, such as alongside the esophagus or in the chest. This variation rarely matters, unless surgery is necessary to remove one or more of them.

What do the parathyroid glands do?

Logically enough, parathyroid glands make parathyroid hormone (PTH). And what does PTH do? It has several functions, including:

• Regulating calcium: Calcium is a mineral with many essential roles throughout the body, such as maintaining bone strength, allowing nerves and muscles to function normally, and making sure blood clots as it should. Higher levels of PTH lead to higher calcium levels in the blood through actions on the kidneys and bones.
• Regulating phosphorus: Among other roles, this mineral is a key component of our DNA, bones, and teeth. Phosphorus activates essential enzymes throughout the body, including enzymes necessary for cell reproduction and survival. It also helps with nerve and muscle function.
• Regulating vitamin D: This vitamin is actually a hormone that helps maintain normal levels of calcium throughout the body, by controlling how much gets absorbed from food in the intestinal tract and how much is lost by the kidneys in your urine. Remember PTH? Well, PTH regulates production of the enzyme that converts inactive vitamin D to an active form that helps your gut absorb calcium and reduces the loss of calcium in urine.

PTH released by the parathyroid glands helps keep each of these nutrients in balance. For example, if your blood calcium level falls, your parathyroid glands make more PTH. Higher amounts of PTH prompt bones to release stored calcium into the bloodstream, and also signal the kidneys to pull back on the amount of calcium lost through urine.

What if your blood calcium level rises? Then the parathyroid glands make less PTH, which helps to correct the blood calcium level.

Which diseases involve the parathyroid glands?

The most common are:

• Hyperparathyroidism: This is a condition in which the parathyroid glands make more than the normal amount of PTH. This can be due to a benign or cancerous tumor on a single gland, or due to multiple glands becoming overactive. Or it may be due to some other trigger, such as a low level of calcium in the blood, inadequate vitamin D levels, or kidney failure. When there’s too much PTH, blood calcium levels can become dangerously high and phosphorus levels fall. Surgery may be recommended to remove the overactive gland or glands.
• Hypoparathyroidism: This rare condition is diagnosed when less than the normal amount of PTH is produced. The most common causes are prior neck surgery or radiation, autoimmune disease, or low magnesium levels.
• Parathyroid cancer: Risk factors for parathyroid cancer include certain genetic diseases and prior radiation to the neck.

Why do we rarely hear about the parathyroid glands?

The reason is that most of the time they do their job without fuss or fanfare. Although disorders of the parathyroid glands are not rare, they are just uncommon enough that most people will never hear about them. I think of the parathyroid glands as one of many parts of our bodies that play a huge role in our health, but go unappreciated because they are so good at what they do.

Many other quiet heroes, including the thymus gland, serve as testaments to the remarkable design and function of the human body. Then again, I can think of a few body parts that could be considered expendable.

The bottom line

I hope it’s comforting to know that your amazing parathyroid glands are keeping tabs on your calcium levels and helping your bones, nerves, muscles, and other organs to function normally.

Ounce for ounce, the parathyroid glands may be the most important glands you’d never heard of. Until now.

About the Author

Robert H. Shmerling, MD, Senior Faculty Editor, Harvard Health Publishing; Editorial Advisory Board Member, Harvard Health Publishing

Dr. Robert H. Shmerling is the former clinical chief of the division of rheumatology at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center (BIDMC), and is a current member of the corresponding faculty in medicine at Harvard Medical School. … See Full Bio View all posts by Robert H. Shmerling, MD